James has a dual story – so you’ll see that the second one has a sightly different scenario:
Ben raised his head and shook his dirt all over the lounge. He heard his master coming, so he jumped off the sofa and looked for a place to hide. Behind the lounge? No, too small. Under the pillows? Too obvious. He started to look for a way out, moving his head left to right, shaking his mound of hair everywhere, in the process.
The footsteps got louder. He searched more franticly. The only other door out, besides the main one, was the old back door, but that was impossible to open for some paint had stuck the door shut when his master and the family had painted the door. The footsteps got louder, louder still. Ben tried to nudge the door open but he realized that it was no use. Then he saw it: the perfect hiding spot!
Footsteps were outside the door. He slid into the spot, just in time to see the door open and hear his master growl with annoyance, but it didn’t matter. He was safe where he was. Thanks to his quick thinking, he had found his way into a tower of wool or some other soft material, and then he heard it: the noise that all dogs hate. He turned around to see it: “meaow”.
Now, Ben is an old man and it’s not funny any more. Rewrite – change as little as possible to capture the new scenario.
Ben raised his head and heard footsteps. He heard his master coming. He shuddered in the bed, looked at the clock —two hours later than it should be; he had overslept. His heart thumped and he leapt to his feet. He looked from left to right, shaking his matted hair in confusion.
The footsteps got louder. The only other door out, besides the main one, was the old back door, but that was always chained. The footsteps got louder, louder still. Ben tried to nudge the door open, pushed his thin old shoulder into the wood, but he realized that it was no use. Then he saw it: the perfect hiding spot! He slid open the trapdoor as quietly as possible. Just as he closed it the other door opened and he heard a roar of anger escape the outraged mouth.
The cold cellar was empty, abandoned long ago. But his day was about to get even better, for when he leaned against the cobblestone wall, it moved. Ben realised he had just opened a secret passageway and on the other side was: daylight. He would never come back. There will be no more torture and punishment for this old soul, he thought. He walked painfully to freedom.Advertisements